Refusing to Write

Just won’t do it. Ever since I returned from Colorado, I have been extremely recalcitrant about writing, or even reviewing and editing the pictures I took on the train and in Aspen – some of them are very good – so why the resistance?

Don’t know, only that this has been an issue all my life – I participate in this world for a time, sometimes months, and then, like Melville’s Bartleby the scrivener, suddenly “would prefer not to”.

Mostly, I do not want to be in this world and get a bit resentful of being forced to.

I also know writing and art provide a sense of accomplishment and even joy – these long weeks with no artistic outlet have been anxious and guilt laden. I feel guilty for wasting my talent, my life.

Then, today I saw some stat on autistic adults and how few were employed full time and thought – even Tweeted -“I don’t want to waste my talent working full time -or at all”. I don’t. Yet I DO appreciate the heightened self esteem which comes with joining the rest of America in its ceaseless toiling.

I also just landed two part time positions – yardwork and an indoors product production job – both I am excited about and enjoy doing. Am reminded again how many autistics wind up in maintenance type jobs or production work. One of my peers at Autistry was telling me about her (paid) production job packaging those biodegradable utensils. I mentioned how they melt in hot liquid. They are made of corn by-products. Corn is mostly GM, which I am suspicious of, and, though I mentioned this, did not expound at length about.

I like both types of work as they are repetitive and predictable, don’t require a lot of thought (though I can get pleasantly lost in the monotony, like a meditation), and don’t feature public interaction. They appeal to my perfectionism, as well. There is not a lot of confusion to distract me.

So there it is – I am not motivated lately, yet I am about to start working part time -actually did start the yard job last week, and will be returning after it stops raining. He even sent a complimentary text – he could see exactly where I was weeding as it made a neat, distinct row of demarcation.

Therapist Sara says she and Autistry will help work on any issues with my employment and employers, if necessary. And it turns out G’s family is friends with the owners of the indoor business. I was losing sleep over how to tell them about #autism, but realized my email signature links to this site, so if they clicked it, they already know. Am going to leave it at that, do a good job, and not worry about it.

I am so fortunate and  do not want to mess this up…

I do recall after reading “Bartleby…” again at 14 or so, refusing to talk, refusing to eat, and becoming even more miserable; so I know from painful experience giving up is not the answer to any problem in my life.

And, that, my friends, is over 500 words for today.






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