“Members Only”

It’s been very bad for her lately; she’s getting that dreamy paralysis which forces her to be late-very late-makes her dream bad dreams, makes her stay in bed. Her mother berates her; and she feels like crying because she can’t force herself out of the bed though she tries and tries-believe me, she tries.

She spends a lot of her time feeling like she is about to cry but the tears rarely escape-her tears never see the light of day. It’s worse than actually crying.

“If you just did some housework around here, you’d be all right”; her mother’s exact words.

What she really means is, it would be all right’the situation, their lives.

¨Beyond the indigo, where the jinny wid winds will blow

gonna cross the dark, dark river…

She listens to Peter Gabriel sing.

¨John Hinckley had argued with his son about his refusal to build a stable lifestyle:

‘He just seemed lazy to me’…”

She keeps running adrift so easy; a stranger in her own land.

“I’m going away…”

She’s going away to the place in her own land where she is not a stranger, where she is alone.

“…You just don’t know the way I am is no longer what I am…”

That’s her; trying to act in a manner her parents call “good and right” – running to  hide when she needs to scream, to be out of their range when she inevitably loses control – to flail and yearn for them to love her as she is – why is she no longer acceptable?

The way they are rejecting her leads her to suspect she’s done something wrong, somehow.

Attempting to figure out what that wrong is occupies a good deal of time, supplies a good deal of the torment, lends the angst to her teenage years.

She wants to scream and rage like she used to until fairly recently when they began to forbid it. The reason they cite: she is getting too big-it’s not “ladylike”.

The real reason is she  is getting bigger and stronger; they’re getting old, and she’s becoming too much for them to handle:

“We just can’t control her any more”,

they will tell numerous doctors by way of explanation; the presenting symptom in their own words:

“We’ve had about all we can take…”

And if she doesn’t start controlling herself, they’ll send her somewhere they can.

She’s taken to going to her room when she feels she’s about to lose it.

She spends a lot of time in her room trying to keep the beastie down.

 

 

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